Dad: Sam, not everything is Obama's fault.

Beto: What happens in the book? Me: I don't know. Beto: What's the gender of the book? Me: You mean genre? Beto: No, gender. Like what kind of book is it?

Sam: These are the three C's for me to date someone. Sense of humor, cute, and quiet.

Beto: what's Zeus? It sounds like a tech company. Sam: no, that's the lord of thunder. Me: Sam, that's Thor. Sam: no! He's the prince of thunder.

Beto: NO! Sam, Don't unbuckle your seatbelt, mom will get mad and call 991 on you!

Beto: Sam, just because you have a German haircut doesn't mean you have to be mean.

Beto: I'm a comedian and a normal person, I'm living a double life.

Beto: that girl keeps coming to our table, and I think she's worried about us, and its freaking me out. Mom: well, she's our waitress...

Sam: never send a teenager to do a kids job.

Beto: only thing left to do is faint.